Chapter 84 : -

It does a lot to one you know , sitting in a room , locked away from the world with their thoughts dancing around the room . 

You hear all of them . From the happiest kinds to the most sad ones . Its not all torture really . 

But its frustrating how one can decide on the better of things , then back out on them when they take just one step out of the room . Even though its too the loo or the outside . 

This is what I've been doing a lot of & it honestly frustrates me . 

I decide on being a better person , telling myself I should change for the better of things & life but then they're instantly forgotten as the world takes me away from my silent decisions . 

I know I should be stronger than this . I know I can . 

Though we do tend to think , "Hey why don't I let today slide , I'll start tomorrow"

What if tomorrow doesn't come ? 

Then what ? 

All those hours , spent on deciding for ourselves , wasted . 

There's a lot of things I wish I could change , but a lot of them are just not in my control . Never really was , I'm afraid . 

Maybe its just me . Over-thinking . 

Maybe its just me , going through slight depression . 

I've been like this for a really long time , I have to admit . 

I've always laughed so hard my stomach hurts , always smiled even to people I don't know , always thought the better of things even though its hard . Once the door shuts behind me , I'm no longer that person . 

People always said that I'm merely over-thinking . But what if this is whats really going on with me ? What if this is really , who I am ? 

I wish I was different . More in control of what I'm thinking or especially feeling . 

Am I so weak that I succumb to these things ? 

I am truly helpless , really . 

I mentally torture myself , not in a scary-creepy way .

We are our worse critic . Its true . 

I'm just trying to find a peace of mind . Its somewhere out there , or maybe somewhere in my mind that I haven't discovered yet . 

I hope I do soon .