Do you question every single part of you , wonder if any part of you physically , mentally & emotionally is just not normal ?
I question myself everyday . I look into the mirror when I put my moisturizer on & wonder why my skin isn't like everyone else's . Even when I wear the clothes I adore , I wonder if its okay to be walking around in these ? What if someone sees me & thinks , "She's too fat & short to even pull that off , does she think she's skinny ?"
I don't wear sleeveless tops because I think I shouldn't show the world how huge my arms are .
Maybe you'd think I'm sort of being a little too insecure for my own good . But don't we all feel that sometimes ? Like we're not good enough for the world ?
If you , reading this , have condemned me before for wearing dark lipsticks , crop tops & other shit prettier girls are wearing , I do & wear things that I love .
Do you not think I know that I'm not stick thin & flawless like other girls ? I know .
For example when I go into H&M & see a pretty crop top that I like , & go ahead & try it on , I think a thousand times before I actually buy it . I look into the mirror & say "I think I'm too fat for this . Its a little too short for me ." I try to conceal my tummy in every way possible just to pull off a simple crop top .
I adore fashion . I truly wish I had a better body & I am really working towards it . But the process isn't 200km/h every day .
No I'm not doing it to satisfy the public eye . I want to do it because I actually want to improve myself .
I get sarcastic comments everyday from my friends & strangers about how fat I am & how ridiculous it is to wear lipstick to class everyday .
I don't do all these things to catch people's attention , or impress anyone . I BLOODY LOVE EVERY SINGLE THING I AM & DO .
As if its not enough that I , alone already judge myself harshly .
Yeah , its not good for my health to judge myself . But honestly , if I didn't put a little bit of pressure on myself , I wouldn't be able to achieve anything .
If I listened to them , I would have never dared to start blogging because I was scared of being condemned . They said I'm not worthy of being a blogger because I wasn't good enough , I am not like the other famous bloggers . I'm learning & trying to improve alright ? I'm trying to be better .
What I've learnt from all those people who have bad mouthed me or shot sarcastic comments at me over stupid things like my body , fashion sense & make up addictions is to just do what I've always done . Ignore & continue doing what I love .
I was never the pretty , skinny & flawless skinned type . I was never the girl people would go for or even approach . I was called ugly and fat a thousand times since high school . I was never the cute & subtle type . I was always side-lined . I was always the short , loud & sometimes rude one . I never even had the right hairstyle that would satisfy everyone . But I will not be ignorant & will follow what feels right . Fix what needs to be fixed but on my own terms . I will ALWAYS be me .
Till then ,
V
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